Friday, November 02, 2007
ORD lo....and...
Happy birthday Yvonne....MA'AM..haha...noe u dun like being called a MA'AM..
guess...suppose to be happy ORD...or..everyone ORD shud be happy...back to civilian life....return to society..or, shud i say, return to society as a civilian, coz i didnt leave the society at all...
Back to civilian...freedom.....am i happy?haha..
Crossroad..im standing right at the junction now...a major one......critical one....wad decision am i gonna make?which path am i gna choose?lno..i have no option anymore..i cant choose......i have no rights to choose anymore...long time ago..i have already decided..but now...it seems..unable to fulfill...afraid A level result release next yr...afraid...university application starts....wad if...wad if...wad am i gna do?
suddenly life without problems without worries without defeat without obstacles.....one shot......all came instantaneously...ALL...
right rock bottom i am at...who knows abt this?myself!
20 yrs of living....turning 21...i am....legal adult soon.bearing all responsibilities....
juz realise...actually...how fillial i wanna be...end up..how not fillial i have been....sorry dad n mum...being the eldest....but...didnt perform as a eldest at all...brothers...sorry....the most unapproachable brother to them i am...
actually, how lovely i wanan be...end up...im not....im juz...making ppl go away..
actually, how caring a brother want to be...im not...
Suddenly realise...every role i played...i have failed...failed big time...son?eldest son?brother?bf?student?fren?
life.....precious...is sad tat we have to live this life, and is sad that we can only live once..
happy is the main reason to live isnt it?
doing so many things..suffer so much....student..u studied mug like...future.work and earn big bucks like crazy...juz for?a living...den?death.
if doing all those thing, u r still not gna happy, den?death.
end still...death...
so, y makes life so difficult. road ahead road ahead..still long...so wad?long of unhappiness..long of slogging..til death..
den?for wad?might as well...
so, wad's so scary abt, death?juz slpin..but nvr wake up.do u feel anything?nth.....slpin soundly til eternity...everybody likes to slp isnt it?to escape this hectic busy life, full of stress worries but, no happiness....
wad can make one happy?depends on each and everyone. is unique.
is juz so simple...juz like my dad....he is a real damn great dad....i juz want to be like some1 like him...but i noe...i cant.....is so not possible...things are not tat way i think...
The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.
simple life and simple goals in life...i want to lead..not wanting to take any risk to be an entrepreneur, not taking any gamble to be outstanding ,famous nor popular..not hoping to be an millionaire with mansion ,big cars and servants....
wad makes me happy?is real simple...ordinary life...ordinary.....
Thats life!haha...yea?agree?u meet obstacles...u meet hurder....u unable achieve ur target goal... unable to reach wad u want.....u smell it...so near yet so far.....and make u fall big time.....ya..i noe!haha..
you are climbing the moutain....the summit is everything you wish for....you are almost there.....the last grip..you lose it.......fall right to the bottom.....you took real long to achieve and go thru everything, to almost reach there...and then....u r back to square one...
so wad i can nvr b happy anymore?but, by walking on...i noe...my love ones around me will be happy to see me still kicking alive..y not make them happy?is a cut deep inside for my parents....
to make them happy.......i noe how the feeling of losing some1 u love.....they shall not lose me..at least they will be happy.....
If only..one can have no expectations at all..den..one can be happy...but, who can have no expectation at all?who?and, happiness....is unique to each and everyone........either u r, or u r not.....
lessons in life...u have many lessons in life...i guess...my lessons all come together and i have to take all of them altogether........
failure is mother of success?true..yea..agree...
but again...ya...live for happiness..live for wad u wanna live for...if u no longer doin so?den?doin all sort of hard way to live and find the best way tat is closest to the way u wanna leave......
right?
haiz..
life so tough..if it isnt, then it isnt life?right?ya, i noe....
live.....happiness......let me be a........